Cobra Commander
| Cobra Commander | |
|---|---|
| |
| Alias(es): |
Smegma Lord |
| Blood Type: |
Gravy |
| Likes: |
Everything you don't like |
| Dislikes: |
Everything that you like |
Cobra Commander is a sick mothafucka and he should not be trifled with. He kicked me in the nuts and didn't even apologize.
Origin[edit | edit source]
Cobra Commander was created the very second that you clicked on this article, in a way, you are responsible for his existence and now you need to take responsibility for your new son or I will drown you in my lifetime supply of gamer girl bathwater and there's nothing you can do about it.
Becoming the leader of Cobra[edit | edit source]
Cobra Commander became the leader of the organization, Cobra, when he was just 6 years old due to the fact that you did a terrible job raising him and it caused him to become evil in a desperate attempt to cry for help, which you ended up ignoring so you could snort cocaine and bang bitches while Cobra Commander suffered behind closed doors.
How to redeem yourself for treating your child terribly[edit | edit source]
The first step to redeeming yourself is killing yourself.
The second step is to sit down with your son, Cobra Commander, and talk with him about his problems that stemmed from you having a stick so far up your ass, that every word that comes out of your mouth is followed up by you spitting out a multitude of branch pieces.
The third and final step is to give your child to me because you are an irredeemable piece of human garbage who's so wrapped up in your own ball of sleezyness and cannot be trusted with a cuddly wuddly, bushy wooshy, bear like Cobra Commander.
You disgust me.
How to commit suicide[edit | edit source]
Most people when they decide to commit suicide would usually go for a standard gun, knife, or noose, but those people are FUCKING PUSSIES!
There is one true way to commit suicide and make it up to Cobra Commander.
In order to commit suicide the right way, you must get one single oreo cookie and put it in your mouth. You must chew this cookie thoroughly and swallow it with the grace and magnificence of a Greek God.
Then afterwards you must drink a tall glass of milk in order to get your dose of calcium for the day.
Finally, you must look in the mirror and tell yourself that you did a good job today.
If you have followed all the steps correctly, you will spontaneously combust into a pile of blood, guts, and gore. You have now successfully killed yourself with kindness.